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Criticism, Judgment and Self-Forgiveness
Yesterday I was able to spend some time participating with the Humanitarian Training Call hosted by Charlie Gay and Sharan Ro, founders of Humanity Unites Brilliance. One of the themes of the call was that in order to be able to work together to make the world better, each of us must be able to be authentic and self-forgiving so that we can see ourselves clearly and avoid transferring negative emotions from unhealed wounds toward those to whom we endeavor to give our humanitarian service. Any time judgment happens, it begins with how I perceive myself. If I am critical or judgmental, I must look within to find the origin of the criticism. At the beginning of the call, I shared about my experience of harboring and letting go of judgment toward Michael. As Charlie invited me to go deeper into my feelings about myself as I held resentment and then worked to let it go, he suggested I allow myself forgiveness. It’s funny how I can complete an exercise like that and then believe I’m “all done” with that work and don’t need to re-visit it again. But this morning I became aware of many conversations and brief interactions from which I walk away entertaining criticism and judgment about the person I just interacted with. As soon as I recognized the pattern, I became uncomfortable but committed to staying with the process until I understood it. Here’s what I discovered . . . . Any time I interact with someone and my internal voice tells me that the other person is rejecting me for some reason, I criticize and reject that person in my own head. And I do it a lot. So, for example, I attempted to share my excitement about HUB with a business person who works near my office. He was uninterested and very blunt about it. In fact, he was so blunt that he didn’t even allow me to finish my sentence. And he punctuated his disinterest by saying: “What do ya think o’ that?!” Mind you, every other exchange we had before this moment in time was friendly. Even chit-chatty! But for three months after “What do ya think o’ that?!” I avoided him and grumbled silent critical judgments in my head toward him every time I passed his shop. All of that was about me. I have been so sensitive to the possibility of rejection that I automatically push people out of my potential-circle-of-friends if I believe that they are critical toward me at all. Note to self: It’s ME being critical and supposing people are going to reject me. In the process of holding that assumption, I pre-reject people on the assumption that they might reject me. What an incredible head game! Even as I write this, I wonder if people can feel that underlying process I have and heed the psychic energy to stay away. Interesting thought . . . . But as I made this realization, I also need to find a way to fight my way out of the paper bag. I think I’ve found it. It is that each of us is different and has unique strengths. Even people with whom I don’t “click” have value. And that we don’t “click” has no bearing upon my value. The personalities of people to which I connect most easily are my friends. People with personalities that seem very different from mine have value (just as I do) and their circles of friends are made of people with whom they “click.” If I am not on the same wavelength as someone else, nobody is “bad” or worthy or rejection. It simply is what it is. Can I accept others’ differences? Yes. Can I hold myself in a self-nurturing position in the presence of someone who is different than I am and remember my own worth? I’m working on that every time the awareness that I’m on another diatribe of criticism directed toward another person in an attempt to avoid feeling rejected myself. The rejection is only my imagination. Now it is my job to stay aware of the habit and soothe myself into a more compassionate place toward myself and everyone with whom I come into contact.
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May, 2012
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